Your sexuall conditioning
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| There is a word for this prison: Conditioning. Maybe you have read about animals that copy the behavior of human beings, or The HC Andersen's story -The Ugly Duckling or about Pavlov's dogs. Theses stories and experiments are about animals that act as if they were another kind of animal or who learn to react on certain signals. Most of us do that to, unfortunately. You may think that you are a free person. You may think that you make decisions about your life independently. We have got bad news for you. Most of us don't. Many of our actions and values are rooted in what we as kids learned by our parents and by the surrounding society. When we grew up teachers and friends influenced us. And somewhere in the background we are still influenced by the ethics and the morals that the religion to which we belong is a bearer of. (And we do that even if we never pray or never go to church, the synagogue, the temple etc). One way to describe conditioning is this story, which usually is called ”The roar of awakening”. |
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”The roar of awakening”. Once upon a time there was a tigress who was about to give birth. One day when she was out hunting she came across a herd of goats. She gave chase and, even in her condition, managed to kill one of them. But the stress of the chase forced her into labor, and she died as she gave birth to a male cub. The goats, which had run away, returned when they sensed that the danger was over. Approaching the dead tigress, they discovered the newborn cub and adopted him into their herd. The tiger cub grew up among the goats, believing that he, too, was a goat. He bleated as well as he could, he smelled like a goat, and ate only vegetation; in every respect he behaved like a goat. Yet within him, as we are well aware, beat the heart of a tiger. All went well until the day that an old tiger approached the goat herd and attacked and killed one of the goats. The rest of the goats ran away as soon as they saw the old tiger, but our tiger / goat saw no reason to run away, of course, for he sensed no danger. |
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| Although the old tiger was the veteran of many hunts, he never in his life had been as shocked as when he confronted the young tiger. He did not know what to make of this full-grown tiger that smelled like a goat, bleated like a goat, and in every other way acted like a goat. Being rather a gruff old duffer, and not particularly sympathetic, the old tiger grabbed the young one by the scruff of the neck, dragged him to a nearby creek, and showed him his reflection. But the young tiger was unimpressed with his own reflection; it meant nothing to him and he failed to see the similarity to the old tiger. Frustrated by this lack of comprehension, the old tiger dragged the young one back to the place where he had made his kill. There he ripped a piece of meat from the dead goat and shoved it into the mouth of our young friend. We can well imagine the young tiger's shock and consternation. At first he gagged and tried spitting out the raw flesh, but the old tiger was determined to show the young one who he really was, so he made sure the cub swallowed this new food. When he was sure that the cub had swallowed it all, the old tiger shoved another piece of meat into him, and this time there was a change. |
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Our young tiger now allowed himself to taste the raw flesh and the warm blood, and he ate this piece with gusto. When he finished chewing, the young tiger stretched, and then, for the first time in his young life, he let out a powerful roar - the roar of the jungle cat. Then the two tigers disappeared together in to the forest.”
There are many versions of this story, sometimes it's about a lion, and sometimes about a tiger. It's a way to describe “The roar of awakening”. What is this “roar of awakening”, then? It is the discovery that we are more than we think we are. It is the discovery that we have taken on identities that incorrectly or inadequately express our essential being. It is as though we have been dreaming and suddenly we awaken from the dream, look around, and become aware of a totally different reality. |
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Let us reconsider the story of the tiger / goat: Until he meets the old tiger, he believes he is a goat and experiences the world as a goat would experience it. The young tiger's reality is that of a goat, but we can see that his goat-like perception of reality allows him to experience only a fraction of his total being. We know that he is capable of many other perceptions, emotions and activities. We might paraphrase the story and say that he only manifested his goat 'self' until the old tiger awakened him to his essential being - the tiger he really was. Symbolically, we are all raised as goats; we are all raised in cultures and families where we are trained to think, feel and see in specific, predetermined ways. Because our learned perceptions are all that we know, we naturally assume that the world around us actually exists as we perceive it, and the self we know is the only self there is. This is our reality. Consider a woman who is raised in a family that worships the mind: If this woman believes that her mind is her primary source of information regarding the world, then she is in the same situation as our tiger / goat. This woman will know nothing of her 'other' nature. This woman will know nothing of her imagination, her deeper intuitions, the reality and validity of her feelings. She will not have access to the information available from these other sources. Furthermore, she will be denied the richness and pleasure that this 'other' nature could bring to her. |
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| Is it time to roar now? It's wonderful to meet small children. |
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| And then something happens. A mother says: “You can't ask why they don't have any children, because that can make them feel sad.” A father says: “That is nothing to cry about.” A grandmother says :”You have to let your hands rest on top of the covering”. A grandfather says: “If you don't stop screaming the neighbor will come out and get you”. A smiling mother says: “Oh, you are a good girl who can set the table.” A proud father says :” Oh, you are so good in school”. A grandmother says: “What a pretty drawing you have done”. A grandfather says: “What a nice girl you are.” |
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We learn early what the grownups like us to do and what they dislike us to do. We are punished (maybe with words) when we do something they considers as wrong and we are praised when we do something they like. And most of us begin to adjust. We are being taught that what is ME isn't okay. We learn that we have to do as they wish to get love and appreciation. Many of us learn that it's not enough to be ourselves to get love and attention. It can develop into a kind of trade were the child does something (like mother wants her to do) and gets “paid” with love. think that we aren't adequate as we are. And we begin to wear a mask and pretend to be the kind girl what mother apparently wants or the good girl that father wants. We put on the mask for different reasons. We want to be loved and we are afraid to be rejected if we show our true self. It's less painful that the mask, our pretended self, is met by a no or a rejection, than if our true self is rejected. To be rejected hurts badly. |
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The adjustment is part of our conditioning. The mask is a consequence of the conditioning. We have met many people who are totally convinced that it's neither possible nor appropriate to be, or show, their true self. But it is possible. If you live your essence and live your true self you have the possibility to get true friends. People who like or love you just as you are! What's the value of a friendship based on what you just pretend?
You can observe conditioning when it comes to work, obedience, showing feelings, towards authorities and sexuality. Our values mirror our conditioning. Does this seem complicated? You can do this experiment: Ponder your grandmothers' view on sex and sexuality. Then ponder your mothers view on sex and sexuality. Then compare that to your view on sex and sexuality. You will probably discover a difference between the generations. And these differences have to do with what kind of values ruled when these persons grew up. |
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| And then you can ask your self: “Have my values been influenced by my parents?” We guess that you have inherited at least some of their values. Or you may have rebelled against them. In our culture sex is a charged matter. It gets even more charged when it comes to women's sexuality and women's sex. There is a widespread idea that says that women are less sexual than men, that women who have had several partners are tarts, that they are whores and madonnas etc. We think that conditioning creates these type of values. It is something we have learned. It has become “truth”. And that is the “truth” we strongly question. All human beings have the same right to their body and their sexuality. Conditioning affects how we feel, what kind of decisions we make, our view of ourselves and our attitudes towards others. Most people are unaware of their conditioning and how much it affects their life. People are conditioned, for example, by their family, school, society and religion. We hope to encourage you to take space in your own life, in relation to other persons, at work and in relation to your self! |
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| Why not think the following over? Why do we choose to stay inside our “boxes”, in the box that society, family and we ourselves demand us to be? Why don't we dare to be our selves? Free as a person, free in spirit, free in action, free in words? We fight for the right to be our selves and use all of our potential, may it be mentally, sexually, at home or at work! And while were at it… in this song by Lauryn Hill she talks about conditioning her way… |
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