The magical orgasm

This text is about womens orgasms, what they are or are not. Mayby it can give you an idea about why women sometimes dont orgasm. If you have a question and dont get the answer here - hopefully you will get some ideas on what to search for. If you feel that we have missed something important - please let us know.

What is an orgasm? What do you think?


When you ask your friends what they think sex is, you will get a lot of different answers - and every answer is right (to that person). Everything can be sexual. Even the most everyday life occasion can feel sexual, when you are in the mood. Preparing breakfast can feel exciting and intense if the ambiance is right.
Many of us limit our views of sex to concern about sexual intercourse and orgasm. To us here at Vaginarts, sex is something very much more, wider and greater than that. If sex is just a treasure hunt for as many orgasms as possible, that really can diminish pleasure. It is rather common that some woman have never experienced orgasm together with a partner. She may not have permitted herself to masturbate and doesn't really know how to give herself the pleasure of an orgasm. And if she doesn't know how to touch herself, it's very difficult to ask a partner to touch her on the right spots of the body and in the way she likes it. One of the reasons why women don't have orgasms is that they feel that they don't own their own sexuality. Many girls learn not to be sexual. And that can prevent them from masturbating. That's a pity, because masturbation is one of the best ways to learn to know your points of pleasure. But luckily we live in a time when female sexuality isn't as forbidden as it was some decades ago. Many women still have feelings of guilt and shame connected to their sexuality.
Every woman can have orgasms and have the same “right” to orgasms as men. The fact that this statement isn't a matter of course means that there is still a long way to go before female and male sexuality is equal. In our society female orgasms have been made invisible, there have been people denying that they exist, or are just an illusion. And who wants to speak about an illusion?

There are women who tell themselves that they don't masturbate. Think of a woman taking a shower. She directs the jet towards her clitoris and thinks that it feels real nice, but still she insists on not masturbating… A woman can say that, and mean it, maybe because masturbation feels forbidden for her.
That is a dilemma for many women. Women don't have an erection and they seldom ejaculate. Men have erections and ejaculate. (Even though it is bit more complicated, there are women who do ejaculate. And men can learn to have orgasms without ejaculation. It is common within Taoism and tantrism, and means that men who don't ejaculate are able to make love longer than others…)

There are lots of views on female orgasms. A woman can say: “You know when you come.” But sex therapists can tell that it's possible to not notice the orgasm, since a little climax can be difficult to discern.

Here are some descriptions of how women experience having an orgasm. We have taken it from the first Hite-report, where Shere Hite during the 1970s was interviewing three thousand women about their sexual lives.

-“The physical sensation is a delightful torture. It starts in my clitoris and is spreading to the whole area around my vagina.”
- “Right before the orgasm the whole area around my vagina starts life on its own and it is sort of bubbling and beams light dancing sensations. I can't describe it in any other way. Then the sensation is concentrated to one single spot of intense light. The orgasm is like a sharp echo which is reflected on a radar screen.”
- “It feels like a balloon within me was blown up and then rapidly exploded through my body.”
- “When one is to describe it one seems to suffer from a total loss of memory”

(This is a translation from the Swedish edition)


Masters and Johnson, who where pioneers and inventive sex researchers during the 1950s, used machines to measure pulse, heartbeats and the movements of the womb, when a woman had an orgasm. From their “findings” they created a definition of how an average orgasm is. But that does NOT mean that a woman has to be connected to a machine to be sure that she has an orgasm…. Orgasm is an internal process and the experience of it is totally individual.

Your sexual life will be good when it feels right for you. Don't fool yourself to believe that it should be in a certain way. It is easy to get thoughts of should´s and should not´s when you read what is written about sexuality in magazines, or read the answers from different sex gurus about how you should express your sexuality and how you should feel. (You could use articles about sex to learn more about your own sexuality though, and try something you didn't know about before and feel curious about.)

You may be enticed to believe that a good sex life is mirrored in erotic movies or in porn movies … you may see things that inspire you or turn you on. But in the end it's just one person that knows what good sex is for you: And that person is YOU. And your starting point is… this feels right for ME.

Listen with interest to what your friends say about sex, but feel that you yourself have the right to decide what you like. Every person has her or his own perception of sex - and they have the right to their own sexuality, no matter how they want to express it as long as they respect others. (With some exceptions, like pedophilia)

So alike but still so different


Regardless of how many women you ask, their description of their sexual reaction will vary. Just think of how you should describe the taste of a strawberry covered with chocolate to a person who doesn't know what a strawberry is or what chocolate is. The language and our way of expressing sensations and bodily experiences easily create misunderstandings. It gets even more difficult since we experience and feel in our own way, and that is different from other people's sensations.

When it comes to sexuality, there is nothing that can be considered as normal. There are a lot of ideas about sexuality, how it should be, how a partner should react and what they should like. Your partner can feel like a failure if you don't react as he or she thought that you should have reacted. You in your turn can feel a pressure to make him or her feel happy. This mutual feeling of dependency is present in many relationships. If it's like that in your relationship, do something about it! Very few women get a good sex life when they feel a pressure to perform in a certain way. It's not sure at all that you feel most pleasure from what your partner thinks you do. The key to understanding each other - and to have a good sex life for both of you, is to listen to each other and to accept that you are different.
To read statistics about sex is often rather uninteresting, since few dare to say how it really is, or how it really feels. Women, who don't have orgasms, may not dare to admit that, since it would make them feel inferior to other women. Many women have their first orgasm between the ages 20 and 30. Some never have an orgasm, and others have their first experience late in life. Others have their first orgasm when they are very young. And the orgasm can vary a lot. Some women come fast, for others it takes longer to get there, and they can only have an orgasm if they are touched in a special way. There are women who can have orgasms while fantasizing, without touching themselves at all! Accept your way of having an orgasm, and don't compare yourself to others!

If you grew up in an environment where the hidden (or outspoken) message was that women shouldn't enjoy sex, it's probable that it's more difficult for you to enjoy. If it was the opposite, that sexual pleasure was permitted, then it's much easier for you to permit yourself to enjoy sex. We are strongly influenced by these types of messages, even when they are not outspoken. Don't underestimate how important religion is for our sexual behavior.
We still live with the inheritance from the old church fathers in the 600th century who connected bodily need to sin. To restrain their own sexuality these old men choose to live an ascetic life in celibacy. To justify an asexual living they used theological arguments, arguments that were reinforced by the church, which at the time was very powerful. That heritage is influencing us much more than we think.
But even among the women under 40 who were brought up in a liberal and sexual allowing environment, there are those who seldom or never reach climax. The probability that a teenage girl gets an orgasm is lower than for older women. The younger you are, the lesser you know about your own body. Then it's more difficult to know what gives you pleasure and to ask for the best kind of stimulation for you.

A common mistake is the belief that women make a lot of noise when they make love and have an orgasm. It is what they have learned when watching porn. Many women are quiet and still when they have an orgasm. Women's sexual reactions vary, they get their orgasms in different ways, and they reach different levels of excitement. And now we are not describing different women. One single woman can experience arousal and orgasm differently, over time, depending on mood, depending on her feeling in the moment or depending on her partner. What turns you on today can leave you untouched tomorrow, and what made you horny yesterday can feel uninteresting today.

What creates the orgasm vary too. One woman needs to use a vibrator to have an orgasm. Another woman wants to be touched with the hand. A third gets an orgasm most easily if her partner licks her pussy. A fourth needs penetration to come (with the help of a cock or a dildo.) Or she may need a combination of different techniques.

Something that increases the probability to reach an orgasm, especially while masturbating, is sexual fantasies, to watch erotic or pornographic pictures, to watch an erotic movie or to read erotic literature. Try and fantasize together with your partner (YES, you dare!) it can increase your excitement and make it easier to reach climax.

Different kinds of orgasms...


It can be difficult to find the little clitoris button. The button is made of a tissue that becomes filled with blood and stiffens when you get excited. The button is placed under a skin fold, the “clitoris coat” that is situated between the Venus Mountain and the front parts of the labia. (Look in any anatomy book if you find our description difficult to understand.)

The clitoris is much more than you actually see. It is stretched throughout the entire vagina; even it's rather unclear how its nerve threads are stretched within the genital area.
There is rather little known about the clitoris. Its function seems simply to give pleasure. One reason why there is little known about it is that those who are financing research haven't been interested enough to look deeper into the issue.
The sensitivity in the clitoris button varies between women and over time in one single woman. For some it is so sensitive that direct touch hurts. Often a women needs to be touched on other areas of her body, before beginning to stimulate her clitoris. But when she begins to be excited and moist, many want their clitoris to be stimulated directly or indirectly. You can touch over the coat or through her panties. To get to a higher degree of excitement, you can stimulate the clitoris in a rhythm and with a pace that feels nice. Some women reach climax after just a couple of minutes, for others it can take half an hour or more. If it feels difficult (or exhausting…) to touch in the right way for such a long time, try a vibrator.

Many women reach climax without fucking or without an object put in her pussy. To be touched, licked or feel a vibrator is often enough to get an orgasm. For some woman, fucking…feeling a dick inside herself, can feel like an anti-climax. The myth that women easily reach climax during penetration is widely spread. (And it's a male myth for sure…) In reality vaginal orgasm is much more uncommon than clitoris climax.

Many women need direct stimulation of her clitoris to reach climax. It can be difficult to touch the clitoris only through penetration. If the woman is on top of the man, she has more possibilities to move in a way that stimulates her clitoris, and it feels nicer. If she lies on her side, she can touch herself at the same time as her partner is inside her. If there are more people involved a tongue can create a miracle…


Some women can reach climax through penetration (not touching her clitoris), especially if they make love in a position where the g-spot is stimulated. But a vaginal orgasm is another kind of orgasm. Women describe it as a more deep and more muffled sensation, than when having an orgasm while clitoris is stimulated.

If stimulation of the clitoris is combined with fucking, or with the use of a dildo, it can give some women a stronger orgasm than by just stimulating the clitoris. It can also give pleasure and give stronger sensations if your partner, for instance, presses a finger towards the g-spot, at the same time as he or she is stimulating the clitoris with fingers or tongue. (It's not certain that it feels nice the first time someone stimulates sexual spots within you, but try more than once, it can change over time.)

Stimulation of the g-spot can lead to female ejaculation, which isn't necessarily the same as having an orgasm. Some women can have an orgasm if her nipples are touched in the right way (for her). Others can get it just through fantasizing about sex.

Learn to know your body, by touching yourself and by masturbating. That's a good preparation for meeting others.


The right way?


Traditional sex is often so fast, that a woman doesn't reach climax. The boring and traditional picture of heterosexual sex is that it starts with up to ten minutes of foreplay and than there is fucking for about five minutes. You can even find yourself in a situation where the male partner wets his finger and absentmindedly touches the clitoris for a couple of minutes and then enters her vagina. “That was the foreplay”. Say NO if that doesn't feel good for you! In that type of love making it's only the mans pleasure that counts. Do you want to have sex like that?

“Conventional” sex risks to leave the woman unsatisfied and frustrated. (Remember that you have your own responsibility for a good sex life. If the boring, rapid and conventional way of having sex isn't enough for you to enjoy, then it's your responsibility to show what you want! And hopefully there are many men who like women that take initiative and show how she wants to make love to enjoy it more.)

Most women need foreplay for half an hour before they are really moist and excited. When two women make love, both have that knowledge, and that's a good start…

If you reach climax while masturbating, but have difficulties in having orgasm with a partner (maybe even though you play for a long time) why not try to make love in a new way?
Some women have to be totally relaxed in a sexual situation. To dare to relax she has to trust her partner. It's not enough that she trust him or her at one single occasion, it's something that has to be conquered over and over again.

There can be several reasons why a woman does not reach orgasm through masturbation. She can feel the negative attitudes from society on masturbation and female enjoyment and that can prevent her from coming. She can have difficulties in relaxing while masturbating. Or she can have difficulties to feel or to be present enough in her body.

When you don't know what you want and what you need sexually, what turns you on, that a sign that says that you are not present in your body. It signifies that you may have bad self-esteem and bad self-confidence. It is difficult or impossible to be totally present in your body and available for a sexual meeting if you worry and have low self-confidence.

Then the brain starts working and the head is filled with worried thoughts like: “Am I doing the right thing now?” “Should I do it in another way?,” “What is my partner expecting of me?” “Does he/she think that it takes too long for me to be turned on?” “Are my breasts okay?” “Should I take more initiatives?”
If your head is filled with those kinds of thoughts it's difficult to let go and feel free to enjoy.
Many women have experienced unwelcome sexual touch, or rape like situations. That can be a reason to feel awkward in sexual situations. Under those circumstances trust to the partner is crucial.

Women who usually reach climax easily can sometimes have unsatisfying orgasms and sometimes they don't come at all. It's okay; you don't have to have an earthquake like orgasm every time.

Most people have orgasm as a goal when they make love. It creates a pressure to perform and that pressure can, in itself, hinder you from reaching climax. Try for a period to have sex without demands on orgasm, try not to reach orgasm or give up the thought of having an orgasm. Then you can enjoy sex without having to perform. (And maybe that leads to you having new views on what sex is or should be)

Let your body have the control - everybody can enjoy sex


At an early age, during our childhood, we learn to control our needs. The first example is when we learn to be “dry”. Women who have a strong self control and a strong willpower can have difficulties in reaching climax.
If you dare to relax and listen to your body - and let go of control - it becomes much easier.

The body is the physical manifestation of the soul and within it all our wisdom contained. The only thing you have to do is to listen to your body. When you can “hear” what your body tells you, when you can identify what you feel, it then becomes easier to enjoy.
To be present means that you are conscious of your whole body, that you ARE in your body. Feel with your heart and your mind; feel that all of you is there! In our culture many disconnect from their body and are one with their mind. It is as if their bodies don't exist. But you do have sex with your body!
Too many feel mistrust or a dislike towards their body. If we use the pussy as an example, many women find their pussy weird or ugly. That makes it more difficult to watch it closer, to touch it or to let someone else touch it. Pussys ARE beautiful. No one looks the same and it's perfectly all right. Be proud of your pussy!

But good sex is not just about the pussy; good sex involves all of your body. Learn to touch with sensitivity and presence. Touch your partner all over his or her body. Most women reach climax more easily if their whole body is excited, through soft, gentle and sensitive strokes.
When you are in a sexual situation, permit your body to move and to sound as it likes. Resist the need to have control. If you are worried that anyone should hear you, find a space where you can be undisturbed.

Some women get powerful orgasms and are very noisy. Other women can only reach climax when their legs are in a certain position, for example with their legs stretched out. Let your body tell you how it will move and tell your partner what you need.

Low self esteem can have to do with your body, how it looks and what it does. If you think that you aren't loveable, and then you wont trust that your partner really wants to be together with you. Practice to put judgments about your body aside. Don't look judgingly at your partner and don't expect that your partner will judge you. The shape of your body doesn't matter; you have the right, and the possibility, to enjoy it.

Some women feel that their neck, the lower parts of their back, the inside of their knees are sensitive spots. Maybe you have identified certain areas of your body as especially sensitive? Try on yourself and then tell your partner about it.



Emotional orgasms


An orgasm is about letting the energy flow through your body. It can feel worrying to permit it, but when there is a free flow it feels wonderful. When we block our energy it can feel uncomfortable, you can get a headache or it can hurt in your stomach when you have sex or right afterwards. If that happens to you, visualize your energy flowing around the area that hurts. Touch the area with your hand and try to breath into that area. Use the stream from your breath to rinse the tensions away.

When we hold on to, or block, our energy in a specific part of our body, it can be caused by unconsciously trying to hinder ourselves from feeling something that feels “indecent.”
We have thoughts about which kind of feelings that are permitted while making love. When we “lower our guards” and say yes to our power - and a richer spectrum of feelings and sensations - and let it flow through us, the orgasm can become stronger.

Some women say that they cry when they climax, sometimes without being conscious of the reasons to their tears. No explanation is needed, feelings are not rational. Say yes to what ever happens and it will just pass.
Women can feel anger and fear when they are aroused. There can be problems in her relationship that can be the reason for her feelings. But more often it's a feeling from her earlier life that she meets in that moment. Something might have happened during her childhood that scares her now, in a sexual situation. And she might not know what it's about. A sexual situation can remind her of what frightened her as a child and she reacts as if the threat is present here and now. Just accept these kinds of feelings - you are not threatened today! And as time passes you will feel that the feeling of threat will diminish.
Women can even be violent to their partners. That goes especially for women who have been molested or raped. But these kinds of feelings can also be a result of growing up in a society where women's needs are not acknowledged. If you want to be close to somebody, it's not possible to deny your feelings. You have to talk to your partner and find a safe way to release them or maybe meet a therapist.

Feelings that are related to here and now can also arise. When a woman has an unsolved issue or a conflict with her partner, she may not permit herself to have an orgasm - and if she does, these kinds of feelings can be awakened in her. If she and her partner can't deal with the issue, or if her partner ignores the issue, their sexual life may suffer from that. In an extreme situation that can lead to her questioning the value of their relationship and either of them may leave.



Multiple orgasms, prolonged orgasms and orgasms without touch


A woman can reach climax in several ways. But remember that you are not a part of a competition. It's perfectly all right if you don't recognize yourself in everything that is written here. And you are not a better person if you succeed in having five orgasms a row. Each person is unique. It's totally possible to have good sex and good relationships without having orgasms.

It's called a multiple orgasm when a woman has more than one or two orgasms during an act of love. Some women reach a peak, go down to a valley, and then, with a little more stimulation peak again within seconds. This can repeat in a cycle of 3, 5, 8 times or more. It's more common to peak once or twice and then not wanting more stimulation. If you don't get multiple orgasms while masturbating the probability that you will get it with a partner is relatively low. Maybe that's the way you are?

A prolonged orgasm happens when you stay on the peak for a while. The duration for an ordinary orgasm is about ten seconds. But if you permit the stimulation to go on you can stay on the peak for minutes. You can learn to do that. A well-performed licking of the pussy, the play of a tongue over your clitoris is maybe the most effective way to push you over the border. But it doesn't work for everybody.

Some women can have an orgasm without touch. The most common is that they fantasize while contracting their Kegel muscles (the easiest way to find them is to cut the jet/squirt when you are taking a pee - then you are using those muscles.)
Some women can have an orgasm through putting a pillow between their legs and rubbing against that or against their partner's body.


Here is a summary of what you can do to make your sex life better:
• Respect your feelings and deal with them.
• Contract your Kegel muscles
• Tell the truth to yourself and to your partner.

Good luck!